‘I thought about you everyday that I didn’t see you.

It doesn’t matter what happened between us, it never did. I was always gonna come back to you, if only just to see if maybe you had finally grown up. Maybe I’d come here, and you’d tell me that it was always me, or maybe you’d tell me that it was always her, but at least I’d know. At least then I’d have some clarity. You still have no fucking idea, do you? That’s not fair.

After we had our stupid fight, I just—- I was so lost. I felt like there was a piece of my life missing. Everything became so boring, and I kept telling myself life is supposed to be boring… But I couldn’t get used to it. I got a pretty good promotion at my work about two years ago, and that made it easier. I did okay, you know, pretending for all that time that I had any interest in my life. After a while I forgot that I was pretending. I was a cog in the wheel but it didn’t matter, because I was getting tired of having to make my own choices anyway. Doing what I was told was just so much easier.

Then last year my sister died. We had just been out for dinner and I was taking her home and—- I was fine. But she wasn’t. She was in a coma for a couple of days then she had this huge seizure and—- And then she died. I was driving. I was driving, and I swerved, and I saved myself instead of saving her.

I can’t really drive anymore. I’ve tried, but—- I can’t do it without having a panic attack. And when I’m not panicking, I’m numb. I can’t feel anything. I want to feel something. I want to cry. I’m just so fucking numb. You’re the only one that made me feel anything. You’re like a drug.

I was always gonna come back to you. I never had a choice.’